Cat Definitions

* Cat:
1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
2. a four footed allergen.
3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
4. a small, furry lap fungus.
5. a treat-seeking missile.
6. a wildlife control expert.
7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
8. a hair relocation expert.
9. an unprogrammable animal.

* Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.

* Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.

* Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.

* Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

* Dog: a cat's device for running practice.

* Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.

* Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.

* Human: an automatic door opener for cats.

* Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.

* Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two.

* Purrade: an organized march of cats.

* Purradise: the garden of Cats.

* Purramour: a cat lover.

* Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.

* Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.

* Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.

* Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.

* Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.

* Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.

* Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.

* Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.

* Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.

* Purrson: a male kitten.

* Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.

* Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.

* Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.

* Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.

* Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed.

Did you know??

The Cat and The Husband

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that thing on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

The Bachelor And His Cat

A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

THE CAT USER'S MANUAL

CAT vs. 7.0: Completely Autonomous Telepurronics

Manufactured by MOM CAT

System Design SpecifiCATions:

User Friendly
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning
Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Routines for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Instant Transition (2 nanoseconds) Between Standby and Full Power Mode

Production Details: After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of on site ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOM CAT uses local suppliers, there may be variations between units.

Transportation: A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and/or serious injury to the end user.

Installation Procedures: Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indiCATive of the MOM CAT production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs.

Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 70°F (±3° tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program Katfind® by displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, display the output bin.

If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to transfer BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment.

The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in all axis: standing, sitting, or laying down. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.

A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, fatal errors may happen. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site.

Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be reinitialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CAT's a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged.

AppliCATions: At present, there are few productivity appliCATions for CAT.

MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed.

Most owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are new. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some CAT games are:

CACHE The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object must be smaller.

JUMP Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation.

MIRROR Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.

CHASE Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.

DANCE and SING Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.

Maintenance: CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle.

CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzene-based solvents. This may lead to a violent explosion.

A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET for a system checkup.

Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits unusual smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.

You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female SCSI port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such systems should run UNIX.

Warning Notices: CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems. Never attempt a first strike on a CAT system. Its CPU clock rate made to mil specs and thus classified, but JANE'S FIGHTING FELINES notes that a unit was seen by ham radio operators to be apparently moving at 500 MHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 nanoseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user.

Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.

In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface.

Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage.

Carry the CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail."

If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users get a second unit, to enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.

User Groups: CAT users can find other users and FAQ on the Usenet Newsgroup: rec.pets.cats.

Lifetime Warranty: The CAT unit is guaranteed against CATastrophic failure. Nine coupons are included.

Documented Problems: The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This may lead to serious performance problems.

Do not install a BIRD unit at a site which has an operational CAT unit. These tend to disappear.

System Features:
Models: Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest clear iconfootprint in the industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes.
Interface: Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
Memory: Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.
Expected Lifetime: 15 years (although 20 years is common).
Weight: 10 to 16 lbs... without optional cables.
Speed: 3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology.
Color Graphics: Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 gray shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 terrabits of high resolution floating point pixels.
Sound Chip: 16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
Power Consumption: 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)
Operating Range: -22° to +105°F
Vibration: 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.

Contacting CAT Technical Support: Our highly trained technicians are ready to help you. As soon as they wake up from their nap.

Famous Cat Quotes

Be Careful How You Say It.

A CAT'S PRAYER

Now here this! You may live in this dwelling with me, but keep in mind your sole purpose for existing is to care for me. I pray God keeps you able to do so.

Feed me well and promptly, so that I may find a quiet place to lie down and stare at you. If that place happens to be on top of the television set, do not keep trying to dislodge me even though my tail is hanging in the middle of the picture

I expect full run of the premises, including the kitchen table. I sniff your food only to see if I prefer it to mine. Brush me twice a week. Pet me as often as you wish, but I can do without the idiotic statements you utter as you do so.When I bump my head against your leg or cheek, it means I accept you as part of my environment. Keep in mind that if I thought the lady next door would feed me better, I'd be out of here in a minute. If you're looking for loyalty, get a dog.

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.

How to Bathe the Cat:

1. Flush the toilet.
2. Lift the lid and add shampoo
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close lid and sit on top so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore the ruckus from inside toilet. The cat is actually enjoying this).
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door. Stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift lid.
8. The clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and go directly outdoors where he will air dry.

Good luck!
Sincerely,
The Dog

Another Approach to Bathing a Cat:

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the tepid water.

* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney. Cats are gullible that way!)

* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles when wet. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. must try this on their bed.

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that you're dog is dead, too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350".

"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."

Cats according to Dave Barry:

"Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent." (This is code. It means: "Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate people.") Many people love cats. From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $3,200,000, to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named as beneficiaries in their owners' wills. Did you ever wonder where your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with other cats in estate-planning seminars. I just thought you should know.